Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
