dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
