I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
