I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
