Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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