this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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