My first STD was from a foam party
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
