If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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