I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
