Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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