God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
