I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
