Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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