I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
