I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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