She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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