My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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