I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
