Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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