Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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