I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
