tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think my moral compass just broke
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
