booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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