look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
