walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
