I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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