If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
