im six kinds of drunk right now
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
