I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
