You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
