the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
