New low: just hacked my moms facebook
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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