She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
