yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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