i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
