you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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