Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
