Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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