I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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