you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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