i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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