I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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