if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I looked at my own cervix.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
