I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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