U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
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I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
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I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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