You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
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No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
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it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers