He disabled his match.com account in front of me
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
