Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
