Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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