The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
