Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
