I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
