So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
