I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
