i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Randomize
