haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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