when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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