I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
