Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
